The Goblin Pedlar
One day a Goblin Pedlar
Came calling at our door,
Selling quite the strangest
Set of wares you ever saw!
"Don't waste your breath," said Mother,
Who didn't like his looks,
"We don't need your double glazing
Or your 'cyclopaedia books!"
"Now Madam," said the pedlar,
"If you listen for a while,
I assure you you'll reward me
With the radiance of your smile.
I've a range of wondrous products,
The like you've never seen,
To make this humble household
Fit for such a queen!"
Well Mum was easily flattered,
As mothers usually are,
But to say this of our mother
Was something quite bizarre.
So she softened just a trifle,
Almost smiled and said: "OK!
You can show me what's on offer,
But I haven't got all day!"
So the pedlar opened up his case
And started to explain
Why his range of wondrous products
Would be worth-while to attain.
"Problems with your carpet?
Is it full of mounds and holes?
This handy roller smooths away
Those awkward carpet moles!
Or is it just that nothing seems
To shift those stubborn stains?
Like serpent's blood, or dragon's spit,
Or ground-in mole remains?
Well wave Good-bye to dirty marks
And say "Hello!" to GLEAN,
The all in one solution
That leaves your carpets clean!"
"Hang on a mo'!" said Mother,
"Do you take me for a fool?
Moles beneath the carpet
And stains from dragon's drool?"
"That's right," said the pedlar.
"Now how can you resist?"
"Easily," scorned Mother,
"Since such things don't exist!"
Well the pedlar tried to offer
Guarantees with money back.
But Mother would not hear of it,
So he tried another tack.
"Are you finding your old furniture
No longer meets your needs?
Is your sofa getting restless?
Do your dining chairs stampede?
Show them you appreciate
Their comfort and support.
A single coat of SOOTHEX LACQUER
Stops them feeling fraught!"
"Right, that's it!" said Mother
As she tried to shut the door
"If you're going to spout such drivel,
I wont listen any more!
Do you really think my furniture
Goes running round the room?
I'm nowhere like as stupid
As you obviously assume!"
The door jammed on the pedlar's foot.
"One last chance," he pressed
"Something to keep your garden
A cut above the rest!"
Well Mum liked to think her flower-beds
Were not to be surpassed
So she gave the pedlar one last try,
But warned him to be fast.
"Trunks that don't belong to trees?
Tusk marks on the lawn?
All the other tell-tale signs,
Like trumpeting at dawn?
If you've got a mammoth problem,
If you're plagued by elephant,
Just spray away those garden pests
With new REPELEPHANT!"
Well Mum began to bare her teeth.
"You swindling knave!" she cried.
"Do I look the sort of moron
Who'd buy elephant-icide?"
The pedlar gulped uneasily.
"Would you like a special offer?
A complimentary sample
Of the best thing I've to proffer."
"If it's free of charge," said Mother,
"And not a penny more,
I might just take an interest.
So what's this offer for?"
"I'm sure that you will treasure it,"
Said the pedlar with a smile.
"It's bound to come in useful
To a lady of such style!"
"Are you troubled by a bristly tongue,
Unsightly dental hair?
For smoother cheeks, inside and out,
Use BALDAX ORACARE!"
Well Mother didn't stop to say
"No thanks!" or "Cheerio!"
She kicked the pedlar down the path
And told him where to go!
And whether that is where he went,
I cannot truly say,
But he was never seen again,
Unto this very day!
But the story doesn't end here,
Though you might think it should,
'Cos stranger things were still to come,
Beyond all likelihood
Next morning, shortly after dawn,
Weird noises filled the house,
Like the splintering and scrabbling
Of some wood-eating mouse.
Mother leapt out of her bed.
"What's this!" she called in fright
"Burglars have broken in
To rob the house by night!"
But then she saw some funny lumps
Upon her bedroom floor,
Big lumps, small lumps, lumps that twitched
And scuttled out the door!
"Oh no!" she shrieked, "this is absurd,
I can't believe it's true!
Moles beneath the carpet!
This simply will not do!"
So she ran and fetched a mallet
And chased the lumps around,
But though she smashed and bashed and smashed,
They kept on making mounds.
Suddenly there was a crash
And then a deafening "Ooooooffff!"
Like something large and flatulent
Had fallen through the roof.
Mother dashed out to the hall
And bellowed: "Who goes there?"
But then she stopped and looked aghast
And froze upon the stair.
Spread across the landing,
Amidst rubble, dust and slate,
Sat a dragon, with a serpent
Lying crushed beneath its weight.
The dragon licked its scaly lips,
Then chewed the serpents head,
Drooling so much blood and spit,
It stained the stairwell red.
"Oh no you don't!" howled Mother.
"You can eat your lunch elsewhere!"
And brandishing the mallet,
She charged straight up the stair.
Well the dragon took one look at Mum
And saw he'd met his match.
So he scrambled through the rafters
And vanished with dispatch.
"Just look at my nice carpet!"
Wailed Mother in disgust
"I'll never shift these bloodstains,
Let alone the drool and dust!"
She came down to the living room
And flopped into a chair,
But no sooner had she settled
When she leapt up in the air.
"That chair just moved beneath me!
It's come alive!" screamed Mum
"I felt it start to writhe about
And then it pinched my bum!"
And as we watched, the chair began
To edge along the wall
'Til it bumped into the hat-stand
That had ran in from the hall.
Throughout the house the furniture
Began to move about.
"This can't be safe," said Mother
And promptly rushed us out.
Outside in the garden
Something wasn't right.
It looked less like a garden,
More like a building site.
The hedges had great holes in them,
The rose bushes lay flattened,
And the lawn looked like a Rugby pitch
Where some great scrum had happened.
Then Mother spotted something large
And grey behind the shed.
She rubbed her eyes, then looked again.
"An elephant?" she said.
But it was true, and not just one,
But five or six at least,
Grazing on our garden
Like it was a beggars' feast!
Mother fell down to her knees.
She knew that she was beaten
And she didn't bat an eyelid
As the apple tree was eaten.
If only she had listened
To the pedlar yesterday.
He'd said that these things happen,
But she'd sent him on his way.
She knelt their absent-mindedly
Rubbing at her teeth.
Then she began to feel her tongue
On top and underneath.
At first her face looked puzzled,
Then it changed into despair
As the skin upon her tongue and gums
Sprouted dental hair!
With bristly lips and furry tongue,
A solemn vow she swore.
From that day on, she'd never turn
A pedlar from our door.
As the years went by, the carpet moles
Migrated down the street
So we flattened out the carpet
When they'd finished their retreat.
And we patched the hole up in the roof
Where the dragon had fallen through,
But the red stains on the stairway
Resisted all shampoo.
The furniture still runs around,
But often stops to rest
And sometimes lets us sit on it,
Unless it's feeling stressed.
The garden still has elephants,
But they're easy to endure,
Since we make a healthy profit
By selling the manure.
Mother still has dental hair.
She shaves it every day.
She's tried all kinds of treatments,
But it will not go away.
She says she's looking forward now
To getting grey and old,
'Cos if her hair starts falling out
At least her tongue might bald.
And she still keeps to her promise
If a pedlar comes to call.
She never tells him where to go
Or questions him at all.
She'll always buy a thing or two
No matter how he looks
And she takes the greatest interest
In his 'cyclopaedia books.
So we've stacks of 'household cleaners',
An incredible amount
And we've double glazed the windows
More times than I can count! |
